fragment and phrase

Carpe Diem Universal Jane #17 fragment and phrase

The fun of creating a haiku brings me pleasure.  It is not easy most days.  Occasionally one good one just appears.  This challenge for fragment and phrase is taking several attempts to write, rewrite, modify or totally erase.

falling
watermelon crunch
now flies swarm

(not to my liking)

hitting the ground
watermelon splits
cool crunch

(still missing something)

red white and green
cool watermelon beauty
flies swarm

©  petra domina

Okay, I'll put my name on that last one.  Not great but I like it.


Thanks to Chèvrefeuille for daily prompts on 

CARPE DIEM HAIKU KAI


Comments

  1. Kim M. RussellMay 22, 2017 at 12:55 AM

    I enjoy reading your steps to writing a haiku, Janice. The first one has a great sound to it. I really like the second one, with 'splits' and 'crunch', while the final one has lots of colour, with the flies a stark contrast - you don't have to mention their colour!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JaniceMay 28, 2017 at 10:37 PM

      This is sort of a memory of dropping a melon when I was about 4 or five years old. My favorite uncle just could never tell me no whatever my request. I still miss his sweet soul.

      Delete
  2. Yamini MacLeanMay 22, 2017 at 5:20 AM

    Hari OM
    Interesting... I found myself returning to your first one most often... YAM xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JaniceMay 28, 2017 at 10:37 PM

      Each has its own qualities.

      Delete
    2. JaniceMay 28, 2017 at 10:50 PM

      We had a melon in the fridge. I kept retuning to it.

      Delete
  3. Mellow CurmudgeonMay 22, 2017 at 10:07 AM

    I like getting the phrase from #2 and then the fragment from #1:

            hitting the ground
            watermelon splits
            now flies swarm

    There's a strong contrast between phrase and fragment, but they also work together. It's not just contrast for its own sake.

    PS -- thanks for NOT dropping a watermelon just to get a photo. Watermelons deserve better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JaniceMay 28, 2017 at 10:44 PM

      I have dropped a melon as a child : ( We washed it off and ate it anyway. Years later we forgot to bring a knife to cut the melon. We were with a group on a canoe float trip. The melon was split on the front of the canoe.

      Delete
  4. CedarwindMay 22, 2017 at 12:53 PM

    It's a great image/scenario that you chose...I honestly like them all...the first two convey the situation most dramatically with the word 'crunch' and the last is more of a painting of the aftermath...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JaniceMay 28, 2017 at 10:46 PM

      It was a fun exercise and I have enjoyed all the comments and suggestions, too.

      Delete
  5. ChèvrefeuilleMay 22, 2017 at 3:19 PM

    Beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousMay 25, 2017 at 2:11 AM

    The first without 'now' was v good. The last might be better with 'cooling'
    Both really fine haiku.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JaniceMay 28, 2017 at 10:48 PM

      I do like both suggestions. Great ideas for future reworks. I am working to improve the writings.

      Delete
  7. JaniceMay 28, 2017 at 10:39 PM

    Sometimes I think it is fun to see how we each approach the word arrangements in our poems. I really like your takes on my musing.

    ReplyDelete
  8. JaniceMay 28, 2017 at 10:42 PM

    Good, it was fun.

    ReplyDelete

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