South Padre Island

South Padre Island

Sunday, May 21, 2017

fragment and phrase

Carpe Diem Universal Jane #17 fragment and phrase

The fun of creating a haiku brings me pleasure.  It is not easy most days.  Occasionally one good one just appears.  This challenge for fragment and phrase is taking several attempts to write, rewrite, modify or totally erase.

falling
watermelon crunch
now flies swarm

(not to my liking)

hitting the ground
watermelon splits
cool crunch

(still missing something)

red white and green
cool watermelon beauty
flies swarm

©  petra domina

Okay, I'll put my name on that last one.  Not great but I like it.


Thanks to Chèvrefeuille for daily prompts on 

CARPE DIEM HAIKU KAI


17 comments:

  1. I enjoy reading your steps to writing a haiku, Janice. The first one has a great sound to it. I really like the second one, with 'splits' and 'crunch', while the final one has lots of colour, with the flies a stark contrast - you don't have to mention their colour!

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    1. This is sort of a memory of dropping a melon when I was about 4 or five years old. My favorite uncle just could never tell me no whatever my request. I still miss his sweet soul.

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  2. Hari OM
    Interesting... I found myself returning to your first one most often... YAM xx

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    1. We had a melon in the fridge. I kept retuning to it.

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  3. I liked the first one best but I wanted to play around with it.


    flies swarming
    around a split watermelon...
    fall

    or

    flies swarming
    around a split watermelon ...
    fall wind


    You can play around with the word "fall" as it has multiple meanings; suggesting the watermelon fell or it can
    hint at an end of summer or coming autumn. The word "flies" further points to decay or autumn.

    This was fun, thank you for sharing your creative process. :)

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    1. Sometimes I think it is fun to see how we each approach the word arrangements in our poems. I really like your takes on my musing.

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  4. I like getting the phrase from #2 and then the fragment from #1:

            hitting the ground
            watermelon splits
            now flies swarm

    There's a strong contrast between phrase and fragment, but they also work together. It's not just contrast for its own sake.

    PS -- thanks for NOT dropping a watermelon just to get a photo. Watermelons deserve better.

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    1. I have dropped a melon as a child : ( We washed it off and ate it anyway. Years later we forgot to bring a knife to cut the melon. We were with a group on a canoe float trip. The melon was split on the front of the canoe.

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  5. It's a great image/scenario that you chose...I honestly like them all...the first two convey the situation most dramatically with the word 'crunch' and the last is more of a painting of the aftermath...

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    1. It was a fun exercise and I have enjoyed all the comments and suggestions, too.

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  6. The first without 'now' was v good. The last might be better with 'cooling'
    Both really fine haiku.

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    Replies
    1. I do like both suggestions. Great ideas for future reworks. I am working to improve the writings.

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