South Padre Island

South Padre Island

Monday, August 8, 2016

dove call

Carpe Diem Theme Week (6) 3 The knowledge of Jane


in bleakness
behind drawn curtains
dove coos
from the shade tree
fly, fly, fly . .

© petra domina

Well, that has been rewritten about 15 times.  Words can be changed so it is not solid.  What do you think?  What feeling, vision, taste, etc came to mind as you read the tanka?  I am looking to my Kai to help me improve.  Thanks to each of you.  Sending good thoughts into the universe for sweet Jane who shared so freely.


Thanks to Chèvrefeuille for daily prompts on 

CARPE DIEM HAIKU KAI

7 comments:

  1. Hari OM
    Wistfulness, spirit freed... YAM xx

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    1. Good evening, YAM
      those are in there for sure. janice xx

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  2. Great you chose a tanka, I find tanka interesting. The bleakness of the first few lines was really good reading, and I got the idea of the tanka, which I enjoyed very much. The last line was clever, and the rhythm of that line still takes some getting used to, in that I could not quite get the mood of it. A very fine tanks overall.

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    1. Well, what was in my mind in the last line was how the dove had cooed three times to encourage the person to come out of the bleakness. Maybe an explanation point would have emphasized that feeling better. Thanks for your helpful comment.

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  3. Very interesting ... I got a totally different picture reading your tanka ... but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'd agree that the final line breaks up the rhythm... still, I like this tanka 😊

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the input. I'll do a rewrite to see if I can get it to flow with the thought.

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  4. Very interesting ... I got a totally different picture reading your tanka ... but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'd agree that the final line breaks up the rhythm... still, I like this tanka 😊

    ReplyDelete